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Separation Anxiety

by When I Say Jump

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1.
It's 6am, and I'm lying on my carpeted floor wondering if I'll ever have a connection with anyone. My life is attempting a warm embrace while keeping everyone at arm's length. I could spend my whole life admiring her graciousness, curling close to the log in my eye like a stiff and lifeless lover until my dying day. Oh, what irony. I'm drowning in self defeat. I'm dying and dying every day, into infinitum. I can only simonize my marble eyes for so long until I give up the ghost of being an aesthete and admit to myself that I'm a nihilistic, abusive, apathetic, narcissistic bastard who shattered unequivocal beauty.
2.
I try to check the time, but I can't find my suicide watch so I hang myself from a tree, but I'm too tall. Gotta wait for the fall to leave, but now I can't complete my human sun dial fbecause the sun is in denial that one day it will die like me. I am a wretch, and I am in love. I am irredeemable. Casualty of my revelations. Subject of my lamentations. The albatross around my neck choking my breath. A reminder with every step of what I am. My one wish: that you'd forget my face. My one wish: my sins would be erased. I am comatose. I put myself on the cross I nail my palms with my thoughts I flagellate my mind. I wear my memories upon my head like a crown of thorns. Old souls die young
3.
We gather around candlelight in the dirty, gritty city. From worn streets, to popcorn ceilings, to walls with texture like sandpaper. Sloughing off our leprous skin, that place we bury our skeletons. Underneath make up caked sins. (Break my back on the clock. Waste my time writing these rhymes. I'll fill the pews with my good news. I'm gonna chug this cyanide. Wanna see me do a swan dive off this building? Pics or it never happened.) Only the youngest have their anecdotes and in this sea of people pouring out their hearts I'm drowning, and drifting further apart. (Break my back on the clock. Waste my time writing these rhymes. I'll fill the pews with my good news. I'm gonna chug this cyanide. Wanna see me do a swan dive off this building? Pics or it didn't happen)
4.
[I wake up to face the day, and the sun and moon, they dance. I lay my head to rest, and the sun and moon, they dance] After every self inflicted laceration of my heel, I remember the good times and how they seem so far away. It's so easy to take happiness for granted, even when I wear it as a mask to hide my own decomposing face. Although it seems like I destroy everything I touch, I try and remind myself there's more that I can build than this. (Yea, though I walk through the valley of clichés and platitudes, there is a hill where everything is seen for what it is.) Waves of wind crash over emerald plains. Birds soar across the mountainous clouds. The sun bathes everything in its warm light until it reluctantly passes, and the moon rises to make the night time bearable. A seemingly infinite cosmic dance to which we are no more or less than witnesses. (Yea, though I walk through the valley of clichés and platitudes, there is a hill where everything is seen for what it is.) [I see everything from the top of the Schilthorn. The hills and valleys no longer hide their secrets from me.] and so the cycle goes with it's variants ever changing, until one day you're unable to take the next step. You lie down, the grass cushioning your back, and you sleep.
5.
Cry, Wolf 05:08
Will i continue running with scissors in spite of all the times i tripped and fell? All I ever wanted to be was successful, and loved just like anyone else. The hardest thing to learn is there's gotta be someone to hold the pillars up. There's gotta be someone on the bottom. (C'est la vie or so they say. I reevaluate my life every day. A bullet to the brain is all it takes, so take it slow. Take it slow. I need to take a break from here.) You bear a striking resemblance to a match. I held on too long to something that wasn't built to last. What good is fire when you can only map the burns on your body? What good is heart break when you can only trace the scars on your psyche? Everyone has an expiration date, but no one will be around to remember the time or place. (C'est la vie or so they say. I reevaluate my life every day. A bullet to the brain is all it takes, so take it slow. Take it slow. I need to take a break from here.) My life flashes before my eyes! Shattered glass flies past me in slow motion, and the world is moving so fast. Watching all these lives pass me by endlessly. Blinded by my apathy, I live a myopic existence. Shackled by my cynicism, I destroy everything. I wallow in the rubble in an attempt to stone myself.
6.
Our friendship dwindles like spindling thread on a spool, or pool full of spider webs set ablaze. Time to face there's no affection, and my time is no more than your obligation. Red herring haze, and misdirection. Gaslighting the night away. (I'm giving you up for lent. We're hanging on by a thread. Catharsis is such bittersweet goodbye. I said "I love you;" I think I lied.) I feel so detached from me, so separated from the air I breathe. I open the windows of my soul just to let the stench out. Everything is in state of constant decay. It's high time you became irrelevant. I moved on from the charade and my weakness preyed upon, your double dealing testament, submissive sycophant. You are a plague, and I've got the medicine! You are a hex and only good to represent the sickness in myself. Now I'm peacin' out! (I'm giving you up for lent. We're hanging on by a thread. Catharsis is such bittersweet goodbye. I said "I love you;" I think I lied.) Dishonest love is the worst crime of a heart that never recovers. [Don't you think that I'm the bane of star crossed lovers]
7.
Gravity you get me Gravity you know how I feel Gravity you bring me down When I check the wreckage When I realize my life... (Is selfish and cruel and toxic) Sun in the sky shining bright My heart quakes, and then the earth begins to break. I carve my name into her tongue, and make her lick up the blood. She keeps me honest to a fault. She keeps me honest it's my fault. And like grass cracking the concrete, I strive to break to conditions to which I am bound. From a cycle I refuse to repeat, I have found a way out.
8.
I was the rock; I was the chain You detached to keep from drowning. it's only natural (I am the weak link in this chain of events. I am the dark spark, malevolent brilliance, and it is getting old. Claw out my eyes to hide my mind. Drag them down your back to eject your spine. I always strike when the iron is cold as shit, but I swear I'm not indifferent.) In this world of impermanence get it through your head your actions are irretrievable across a tectonic timeline of your own design. It doesn't matter your intention or how dead to everything that you were. All that matters is the cost. The end result and who it hurt. It doesn't matter your intention or how dead to everything that you were. (I am the weak link in this chain of events. I am the dark spark, malevolent brilliance, and it is getting old. Claw out my eyes to hide my mind. Drag them down your back to eject your spine. I always strike when the iron is cold as shit, but I swear I'm not indifferent) I am a black hole, ugly, and cynical. You make me remember my heart has a spring even in December. I am more than my faults and my failures. I am the thorn in my own side, the knife in my own back months after the fact, but I refuse to remain complacent. (I am the weak link in this chain of events. I am the dark spark, malevolent brilliance, and it is getting old.)

about

Separation Anxiety was written in the aftermath of a relationship where my partner taught me that I was tremendously broken in ways I refused to acknowledge. This album is a story about progression, becoming whole, and taking responsibility to not carry on the same mistakes.

credits

released January 24, 2019

Vocals: John Davis
Vocals/Guitars: Brennen Monk
Bass: Jarrod Atkins
Drums: Jordan Atkins
Guitars: Keith Browning

Art by Keith Browning
Recorded by Anuva Media
Engineered by Matthew Jacques

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When I Say Jump Columbia, South Carolina

Vox - Rax Manpage

Vox/Guitar - Gwen Monk

Guitar - Brad Hundley

Bass - Keith Browning

Drums - Zack Truesdale

Unabashedly emo dweebs with our hearts on our sleeves!

founded by Rax Manpage, Jarrod Atkins, and Jordan Atkins
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